It's the Beans!
by annapooh
Summary: A mischeivous girl starts giving people a "certain" potion that does "certain" things. Will they all survive? Will there be a sequal? NOOOOOOO! Anything but a sequal! . . . Just Kidding! Enjoy! complete
1. Never Underestimate a Squirrel!

Potions class was always the worst class. Well, until I livened it up a bit and sneaked a crazy potion in Professor Snape's pumpkin juice. It was all a part of my master plan.  
  
So we're in Potions, right, when Professor Snape starts yelling at the wall.  
"What are you doing? You are supposed to be working on your potion! This is Potions you know!" He waited for a moment, and then started again. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go back to your seat and work before I have to explain the consequences!"  
  
"Umm, Professor Snape? You are talking to a wall!" I tried to say seriously.  
  
"Of course I am not Amelia! I am talking to old man Whatsinjipsit! Now be quiet and work on your potion, deary!" Snape replied to my remark.  
  
I started to work on my potion again, forcing back a laugh. Then, Professor Snape started to walk around the class and examine them. He stared at mine with wonder.  
  
"Wow! Look at the pretty colors! Class come over to Amelia's Cauldron and look at the magnificent color!" he gestured everyone to come over.  
  
"Umm, Professor Snape? It's supposed to be that color." I said as I tried not to giggle.  
  
"Amelia! This is ridiculous! Since you cannot behave to I am giving Gryffindor ten million points! Everyone can thank you for giving up there chance of winning the house cup!" Snape said crossly. "Now everyone go back to there seats and begin the one thousand point test!"  
  
"But Professor! We don't even have a test!" a boy next to me said.  
  
"Professor Snape?" I asked to get his attention. "Why are you acting so odd?"  
  
"Oh Amelia! When will you ever learn? It's the beans!" Snape said in reply to my question. Then he got up on his desk and started doing a little Irish jig singing:  
  
Oh beans! Oh beans! It's true! It's true! The only thing I love Is you!  
  
You taste so grand! You taste so fine! Oh how I wish you Were all mine!  
  
Baked or Fried They always sell! But only the great Green man can tell!  
  
Once he stopped his little jig he sat down in his chair and started scribbling all over a piece of long parchment. He looked up and realized we were all staring at him and then said,  
  
"Well since you all have such an interest in my work, I will read it to you. It is a little something I call Mine!" He started reading a story:  
  
"Once there was a little pony that lived in a magical land called Agrabah. He lived with his mother pony, father pony, and little sister pony. He had always loved his home, but he wanted more. "He had always wanted to go far away and live with the little mermaids, or in hundred acre woods. Nothing was going to stop little pony from getting there. One day when his friend Pinny-Mu was."  
  
"Umm, Professor? Sorry to interrupt you but we have to go now." I said apologetically.  
  
"But why? I have only just started! Why doesn't anyone understand me?" Snape said falling to the floor and sobbing. "Why? Why? Why? Why?" he kept repeating to himself.  
  
"Why don't you read it to your next class?" I suggested. "I bet they would love your story!"  
  
"What a wonderful idea!" he said springing up eagerly.  
  
"One more question Professor." I said smiling.  
  
"Yes, of course!" he said with a grin that reminded me of our former Defense Against the Dark arts teacher whose name will not be mentioned in this little story of mine.  
  
"Why am I so weird?" I asked with pretend curiosity.  
  
"It's the beans!" he answered almost instantaneously.  
  
I left without another word.  
  
A/N: okay so it's not that great! I was just really bored one day and thought it up so bear with me! There probably won't be any more unless I get 10 approving reviews from different people. I doubt there will be 10 reviews so if you want a second chapter, don't get your hopes up. Well, that's about it!  
  
~Amelia 


	2. ROLL TIDE ROLL!

"Severus?" I said as I walked into his office. "Severus the Dumbledore would like to see you in the lounge." I looked around the office for him. When I looked behind his desk he seemed to be crouched in the little gap between it. "Severus are you alright?" I asked looking worried.  
  
"Oh I am quite fine Minerva!" he said looking up at me. "Would you care to join me?" he gestured to an empty spot on the floor.  
  
"Umm, Severus, the Headmaster wants you in the lounge immediately. Follow me." I held out my hand to help him up but he just looked at it in wonder. "Take my hand Severus." I commanded him. He yanked my hand and started to shake it.  
  
"Hello! I am Severus Snape. Please lead me to the master of your head." He said as if I did not understand English. I pulled him up and carefully walked him to the teacher's lounge.  
  
"Ahh! Severus. Just who I needed to speak with." Dumbledore said calmly, his eyes twinkling under his half-moon spectacles. "Would you please join the teachers and me in our meeting?" he gestured to the door to the lounge.  
  
When we went in, I saw all of the teachers gathered at a long table that sat in the middle of the room. Dumbledore sat at the head of it. I took the empty seat next to his. Snape kept standing as if he was waiting for someone to ask him to sit. When Dumbledore did so, he just replied "I would much rather stand thanks."  
  
"Okay. Now, Severus please tell us what is on your mind." Dumbledore said smiling. Snape just looked at him.  
  
"Well, I've been thinkin." He said finally.  
  
"About what?" I asked partially wondering what his answer would be.  
  
"About Anna-Banana-Marshmallow-Mush of course! I think she should be a cat!" he said as if the answer was obvious.  
  
"Umm, who is Anna-Banana-Marshmallow-Mush?" I asked partially entertained.  
  
"Why are you asking me when you can ask the Greatness?" he said looking flabbergasted as if my question had been stupid.  
  
"May I meet her?" Dumbledore said with a pleasant smile on his face.  
  
"No," Snape said simply. He looked at Poppy and asked her to dance. Before she could say anything, Snape had her swinging around as he led her in a rather fast waltz. I stared in bafflement. My eyes watered as I tried to restrain a laugh. Then he started singing a song. I could make out every word:  
  
I love to dance,  
I love to sing,  
I also like,  
The word Ping!  
  
My hearts is glad, My hearts afloat,  
I fell as if  
I'm on a boat.  
  
Side to side,  
Front to back,  
In and out of a  
Brown sack.  
  
I couldn't help it anymore. I let out a laugh, followed by many other teachers. Dumbledore seemed to be clapping along with Snape's little tune. When Snape finally let go of Poppy, he looked at Dumbledore. Dumbledore just looked right back as if this was normal.  
  
"May I touch your head?" Snape asked Dumbledore, looking at his head with wonder.  
  
"Of course!" Dumbledore said with a smile. Snape ran over and poked Dumbledore on the top of his head. After he did so, he put a hand over his mouth and started giggling.  
  
"Severus? Why are you acting so strange?" I finally asked him.  
  
"It's the Beans!!!" he responded. Then he looked over at me and started to poke me on my shoulder. I politely asked him to stop and he did. He walked over to the fireplace and sat down. Dumbledore followed and sat next to him. I heard mumbles but I could not make anything of what they were saying out. Finally, Dumbledore sat back in his original chair and confronted the teachers.  
  
"I think he is acting absolutely fine. He has just taken a potion that is making him this way." He said casually.  
  
"Is there anything we can do for him?" Flitwick asked worriedly.  
  
"Why would you want to do anything to him? I personally like him better this way." I said matter-of-factly. Poppy gave me a look of disapproval. I ignored her and went on. "All of you cannot possibly say that you don't like Severus this way." I said nonchalantly. Some of them nodded agreeably.  
  
Severus got up from his spot in front of the fire and came back towards the group. He had a distorted expression on his face.  
  
"I know you are talking about me." He said. "And I would just like to say that I will not be a part of you little mind games. I would like to go lick a chicken now! Please excuse me." She grabbed his knee and licked it.  
  
"Severus, please stop licking your knee!" I ordered him.  
  
"Ahh, but you are wrong my little friend, or rather tall friend. This is not my knee! It is Bo-Bo-Bumper, the Ventriloquist. Look at him! Isn't she wonderful!" he said admiring his knee.  
  
"Well, umm, Severus? Why don't I escort you, and Bo-Bo-Bumper, back to your office?" I took his hand and guided him out of the door. We passed many students on the way, all with dazed looks at Snape.  
  
When we arrived at the door of his office I opened it for him and turned to leave. Before I did, though, I asked again, "Why are you so strange?"  
  
Snape looked at me and simply said,  
  
"It's the Beans!" 


	3. Always put on clean underwear!

A/N: One day, I will write something Important. But this is not the day! ENJOY! Please R&R and I will love ya forever!  
  
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It's me . . . AGAIN, and I am up to no good . . . AGAIN! I though Snape had enough of my trickery. I found a new victim. Except this time, I didn't give a certain potion to an authority figure; I gave it to the smartest girl in my year, Hermione Granger.  
  
"Hermione! Wait up!" I ran to catch up with her. "I noticed that you weren't at breakfast and thought I would give you this to hold you over till lunch." I said nicely, handing her a piece of toast. But it wasn't just toast. (Evil Cackle)  
  
"Thanks!" She took the toast eagerly. I smiled at her. She took a bite, and started coughing.  
  
"Are you okay?" I asked in a fake worried voice.  
  
"I'm. cough. fine." She said wheezing. I already knew she was going to cough a bit, a mild side effect, so I was not worried. The potion would take at least an hour to kick in.  
  
"We better hurry to Charms or we might be late." I said trying to force back a laugh. Hermione was my friend and everything but it was very funny to think about her going CRAZY!  
  
When we got there we sat at the very back of the class. Professor Flitwick walked in front of the class to his pile of books that he stood on. "Now everyone, please take out your wands and pay very close attention." Once everyone had there wand out and was looking at him, he continued. "Now watch closely. Mr. Thomas, will you please throw the ball that I gave you before class. Aim in directly towards me. Everyone pay attention now." Dean threw the ball. Professor Flitwick waved his wand and pointed at the ball and said "Impedimenta". The ball, once going very fast in the air, suddenly slowed. The class applauded. "Now everyone find a partner, and practice the Impedimenta charm. Make sure you get a ball out of this box, and take turns throwing it at each other. Not hard though!"  
  
I paired with Hermione. She wanted to practice the charm first so I threw the ball at her. She delicately said "Impedimenta" and the ball slowed in mid air. Of course she did it perfectly.  
  
After working for about an hour, Hermione wobbled and fell to the ground.  
  
"Hermione are you okay?" I asked her kneeling down. Her eyes popped open and she smiled.  
  
"Why, yes my little antelope. Are you okay?" she said as if it were perfectly normal to call someone a little antelope. I smiled mischievously and helped her up. She then looked at her wand in her right hand and said, "What is this?"  
  
"That is your wand Hermione." I said.  
  
"Hermione? What are you talking about? I am the Great Aes Sedai Nynaeve, Wisdom of Emond's Field. All shall bow to my power!" she said with an evil cackle, partly resembling mine.  
  
"Okay? Do you know where you are?"  
  
"Yes! I am in Agrabah, playing with the Little Pony and Pinny-Mu! I walked through hundred acre woods to get here. It was a long journey." She replied to the wand she was holding in her hand.  
  
"Umm? You're in Charms." I said with an odd look on my face.  
  
"Isn't that what I just said? You're such a funny little antelope." She said with a smile as she patted me on the head.  
  
"Miss Granger, Miss Andrews! You should be working on your Impedimenta charm." Professor Flitwick said with slight frown. "Now get to work."  
  
"Sometimes he can be a little eccentric." Hermione said nodding. "Wow! That was a big word!" She giggled into her hand.  
  
Then, before I forgot, I had to ask the question that this story is famous for. (well not exactly famous) "Hermione, why are you so weird?"  
  
She looked at me with surprise. "As if you didn't already know! It's the beans!"  
  
"I thought you would say that." I replied trying to ignore the group next to ours. They kept looking at Hermione like she was crazy. Well I guess she was kinda crazy.  
  
Hermione fell to the ground and started moving her arms and legs back and forth as if she was making a snow angle on the hard floor. She then began to sing very loudly:  
  
"I'm sailing away.  
Set an open course for the Virgin Sea.  
I've got to be free,  
Free to face the life that's ahead of me.  
On board I'm the captain.  
So climb aboard.  
We'll search for tomorrow,  
On every shore.  
And we'll try, oh Lord we'll try, to carry on."  
  
"What's Hermione doing?" a boy next to me asked, looking at her on the floor.  
  
"Something." I said simply. The boy looked at me peculiarly. He shook his head and started back for his partner, until Hermione got up and grabbed his sleeve.  
  
"Please sir! I want some more!" She said pathetically on her knees. She started groveling at his feet. "Please sir, I want some more!"  
  
"That's quite enough Hermione, you can get up now." I said trying to pull her up. She slipped from my grasp and crawled away.  
  
"Noooooo! You cannot take me away from my home! NEVER!" she jumped to her feet and held out her hand as if she was holding a sword. "No one can take me away from my master, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore!" she put her hand on her heart in allegiance.  
  
"I am glad you feel that way Miss Granger, but would you please come over to me for a moment." Professor Dumbledore was now standing in the doorway. He looked at her over his half-moon spectacles.  
  
"My liege! Of course! I would be honored!" she ran over to him and kneeled, carefully placing her right hand on her wand, which was now in one of the belt loops of her pants. She bowed her head and lifted it again. "To what do I owe this honor?"  
  
Dumbledore seemed to be looking in her instead of at her. He finally said, "Well, at least I know what's wrong with you." Instead of looking at her when he said this, he looked at me. Except he did not frown or glare; instead he smiled. I smiled back weakly. Does he know?  
  
I broke my gaze from Dumbledore to look at the class. They were staring at him and Hermione.  
  
"Wrong with me? Who said anything was wrong with me?" Hermione said curiously. Her eyes went to the class, looking around as if she wanted to find the person who said that something was wrong with her.  
  
"Professor, I am afraid I need to talk to Miss Granger and Miss Andrews. Would you please excuse them from your class?" he asked Flitwick.  
  
"Yes, of course!" Flitwick said nodding, looking a little confused but still smiling.  
  
"Thank you. Girls, if you would please follow me."  
  
"Umm, one question Headmaster!" A boy called as I walked forward. "Why is Hermione so weird?" I smiled my mischievous smile again. I looked at Dumbledore who was looking at the boy.  
  
"Well, that question is quite simple actually," Dumbledore said. He looked at me and then turned his attention to the boy again. "But I think Miss Andrews knows the answer well enough to tell you herself." He looked at me as if I was to say the answer instead of him. I smiled and said,  
  
"It's the Beans!"  
  
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A/N: I do not own any of this stuff except Amelia Andrews! I didn't make up the song Hermione sings either (although I did make up the ones in the previous chapters). I am gunna try to get some more reviews before I write anymore so you might not get another chapter for a long time. Like I said at the top, please R&R and I'll love ya forever!  
  
~annapooh~  
  
P.S. I would just like to mention:  
  
Mandy06  
Crookykanks  
Nicole  
Lizzie  
HarryPotterAngel  
Blue Crow  
PotterPrincess  
  
P.P.S. Thanks so much for your reviews! Well, Later Days! 


	4. Scooter is soooooo FAT!

A/N: I don't own anything you recognize! What I do own is Amelia Andrews! Never underestimate a Squirrel! (Words of wisdom) (I do not know why there are little symbols in this! They just appeared that way! Most are apostrophes, quotation marks, and maybe commas! Please excuse them from the story)  
  
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I was walking with Dumbledore silently with Hermione to his office. I was not very nervous in view of the fact that I had been there many times before (mischievous smile). I kept thinking to myself what frog legs would taste like. They couldn't be very good. They would be all slimy and amphibious.  
  
ANYWHO!  
  
When we got to the stone gargoyle blocking the entrance, Dumbledore said, "Butterbeer" and it hopped aside. We climbed onto the spiral staircase and it began to rise.  
  
We got to the top twelve seconds later (I counted), and Dumbledore opened his office door and led us inside. Hermione seemed to be humming loudly. He conjured up two armchairs in front of his desk and Hermione sat in one and I sat in the other; Dumbledore sat in the chair behind his desk.  
  
"Now that we are alone, let us speak of the matters of this potion." He smiled sweetly at Hermione and eyed me curiously under his half-moon spectacles. "Amelia, have you anything to say of this?"  
  
"No sir," I said casually. Then I added, "But I think Hermione is suffering a bit of insanity." He raised an eyebrow. I smiled amiably.  
  
"I think I am quite fine thank you!" Hermione said crossing her arms under her chest and sticking her nose in the air.  
  
"Of course you do," Dumbledore said focusing all his attention on her now. "Now please, if you wouldn't mind, tell me the last think Amelia has said to you?" he was eyeing her under his glasses now.  
  
"Tell you? Why should I tell you when I can sing it?" She stood up from her chair and walked to the center of the circular office. "Now listen closely!" She began to sing:  
  
"I love to sing.  
I love to dance.  
But most of all,  
I like to prance.  
  
You'd never know this,  
'Less I say,  
'Get that that cow,  
Out of my way!'  
  
The day is hot.  
The day is cold.  
And everyday,  
You're getting old.  
  
So stomp you feet,  
And shake your head.  
This old girl's  
Goin' to bed!"  
When she finished her song, she gave a deep bow and sat back in her chair. Dumbledore and I clapped loudly. She had a big smile on her face.  
  
"That was delightful, Hermione! You must sing more often." Dumbledore said pleasantly.  
  
I heard a hum of "Wonderful!", "Brilliant!", and many other complimentary remarks from the portraits of the old Headmasters on the walls.  
  
"Would you like me to sing another one?" Hermione asked excitedly.  
  
"Well, as much as I like to hear people sing, we have other business to attend to, Miss Granger. Perhaps later." Dumbledore replied. Hermione didn't look happy at all. Her lips puffed out and she kept her head down.  
  
"Now, Miss Andrews, please tell me what you have done to her." He looked at me curiously. His eyes did not twinkle any more.  
  
"Well, it is just a simple po . . ." I started to say until Professor McGonagall burst in the office. From the look on her face, she was not expecting to find anyone in there except Dumbledore.  
  
"Headmaster, one of the students has been suffering of the same effects as Severus! He has been wreaking havoc all over the school! You must come quickly before he does something unseen!" McGonagall said with a look of dread on her face. I smiled my mischievous smile. Dumbledore looked unsympathetically at me and raised an eyebrow. He, then, got up and followed McGonagall outside of the office.  
  
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A/N: Well, that's about it for this chapter! I know it's a little shorter than the others but that will just keep you waiting longer! (Mischievous Grin!) Now, I would like to thank everyone that reviewed my story! So, THANK YOU:  
  
HarryPotterAngel A.J.H Crookykanks HotDog-Jo PotterPrincess Blue Crow Lizzie Nicole And, Mandy06!  
  
Now I would like to SPECIALLY thank the following for putting my story on their favorite list:  
  
HarryPotterAngel HotDog-Jo And, Blue Crow  
  
I would also like to thank my good friend Minerva for putting me on her Favorite Authors List.  
  
Well, Later Days!  
  
~annapooh~  
  
P.S. "Never Underestimate a Squirrel!"  
  
P.P.S. "Chances are, if your parents never had children, you won't either!"  
  
P.P.P.S. (those are both originals) 


	5. BLOOD AND BLOODY ASHES!

A/N: You already know I don't own Harry Potter so why even bother! Well, here ya go!  
  
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I tried to keep up with Dumbledore's fast pace as we walked down the corridor. He did not look angry, yet there was a look of worry in his eyes.  
  
"Where was this boy last seen?" Dumbledore said not taking his eyes off where he was going.  
  
"In the Great Hall. There were many students around so I don't believe he could have left yet." I responded, trying to sound as confident as he. We walked on in silence.  
  
When we arrived at the Great Hall, there were far more students there now then there were when I left. I heard a voice singing. When Dumbledore and I edged our way to the front of the crowd, we saw the cause of the noise.  
  
Harry Potter was in the middle of the crowd, singing songs. I did not recognize the one he was singing now. I suspected he made it up:  
  
"There once was a monster and a dog. The shoe was in the yard. The monster got lost in fog. The dog got the shoe!  
  
A man walked away in the spring. They showed him the shoe, And in it he dropped a ring. Whoppity-do!  
  
The dog ran away with the vase. He started running on the ice. He slipped and hit his face. The poor doggy died!"  
  
Dumbledore looked shocked and angry at the same time. I tried to look the same but failed. I could not help smiling. I turned my head so he would not notice.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Dumbledore shouted to the crowd. They immediately grew quiet. Everyone turned to face him. Except Harry, that is. He seemed to be interested in a squirrel outside the window. "Well? Is anyone going to answer me?" He seemed angry yet rather calm.  
  
"Potter's a loony!" a boy yelled from the crowd. I looked around to see none other than Draco Malfoy. Of course he was going to have something to say about his. His fellow Slytherins were sniggering.  
  
I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around and saw Amelia and Hermione running down the corridor.  
  
"HERMIONE MOVE!" Harry yelled to her.  
  
"Honestly! Don't you two read?" Hermione said with her hands on her hips.  
  
"Not like this! I think it's a warning. It means danger's near," Harry said putting his hand on his scar.  
  
"Besides, you're saying it wrong! It's LeviOsa not LeviosA!" Hermione said shaking her head.  
  
"Guarding something?" Harry asked scratching his head.  
  
"I know a spell when I see one. You have to keep eye contact, and Snape wasn't blinking!" Hermione stated clearly.  
  
Everyone looked at them strangely.  
  
"Amelia, you were supposed to stay in my office with Hermione." Dumbledore said, his eyes narrowing.  
  
"Well, Hermione darted after you and I tried to stop her. Eventually, I gave up and ran with her." Amelia explained with an innocent face.  
  
"My office is only down the stairs. You couldn't have taken long to convince," He said incredulously. Amelia gave him a weak smile.  
  
"Well this is all nonsense," I began. I raised my voice. "Everyone, with the exception of Mr. Potter, will report to your dormitories immediately." There were murmurs in the crowd as the students reluctantly went up the steps.  
  
"Miss Andrews, I must say I am ashamed of you. I would not expect a thing like this from such an honorable student." I told her with a stern look. She looked at me, waiting, as if I should have said something else. She leaned forward slightly. Her eyes were locked to mine.  
  
Suddenly, my stomach seemed to be doing summersaults. I started coughing and could not stop. I looked around sickly. Amelia was smiling happily. I though 'Oh no. She's done it to me now.' I held my stomach. I wanted to throw up. My head swam with dizziness; I could not see straight anymore. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor. Albus was kneeling by my side with worry in his eyes.  
  
I felt full of energy. I sprang up and started dancing a little jig. I could have danced forever.  
  
"Hey professor! Why did the chicken cross the road?" Harry yelled.  
  
"To get to the other side!" I yelled back.  
  
"Why did the baby cross the road?" He said, yelling again. I scratched my head. Finally he answered, "Because it was stapled to the chicken!" Hermione, Amelia, and I fell to floor laughing. I was laughing so hard I could not breathe. I forced myself to, taking deep breaths.  
  
"Hey Harry!" Hermione said finally calming down. "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"  
  
"I dunno! Why?" he replied.  
  
"Because it was DEAD!" We all started laughing again.  
  
"I've got one!" I said excitedly. "There were these blondes on the interstate, driving to Disneyland, when they come to this sign that's says 'Disneyland, left' so they turned around and went home!" There was more laughing. It was the most fun I ever had.  
  
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I could not stop laughing! All the jokes were hilarious. I had to tell one myself.  
  
"Where did Sergeant Pepper keep his armies?" I asked.  
  
"Amelia! This is an outrage! What did you do to me?" I turned around. Hermione was looking at me levelly. It was over.  
  
"Who cares, Hermione? Let her finish the joke!" Harry said impatiently. He was normal too.  
  
"Yes Amelia, where did Sergeant Pepper keep his armies?" Professor McGonagall asked.  
  
"In his sleevies!" I said laughing. Harry laughed out loud, Hermione sniggered, and McGonagall was trying very hard not to laugh. Dumbledore did not look pleased at all. My fun was over.  
  
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A/N: This is the last chapter! Sorry! If you want more review! Even if you DON'T want more review! I won't care if you review or not as long as you go to www.capitalonebowl.com and vote for Aubie the tiger for the best mascot. PLEASE! If you do I will love you forever!  
  
~annapooh~  
  
P.S. A special thanks to my wonderful reviewers! 


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